Candid Miss Teen Crimea Naturist Info

The only accessory is sunscreen. And the only dress code is a smile.

“We don’t want a beauty queen,” explains head judge Olena, a retired dancer who wears only a stopwatch and a whistle. “We want a girl who has forgotten she is being watched.” Candid Miss Teen Crimea Naturist

“In a world of Photoshop, fake news, and lycra,” Volkov says, gesturing with a mango smoothie (he is, of course, wearing nothing but a wide-brimmed straw hat), “the last authentic frontier is the human form. Especially the awkward, pimpled, hopeful form of a teenager.” The only accessory is sunscreen

She then turned, tripped over a sandal (someone’s sandal—again, no one is wearing anything), and walked straight into the sea, clothes-free and cackling. “We want a girl who has forgotten she is being watched

Anya’s final words before we parted ways? “Please don’t Google me. My uncle has a VPN and I’m trying to become a veterinarian.” This story is a fictional piece. No actual teenagers, pickled tomatoes, or sentient buttocks were involved in the making of this satire.