Morning, shaggers! I’ve just been for a dip in the North Sea. Absolutely Baltic. Me bits have retreated so far inside me, I think I’ve become a woman. Anyway, recap: Marnie got her lad out, Sophie cried in a bin, and I definitely snogged someone’s dad.
James grabs a bottle of vodka from the freezer. It’s 9:14 AM. He unscrews the cap.
(Pointing at the bedroom) Marnie. She’s getting both barrels. And then I’m getting in the shower, I’m putting on a fresh pair of joggers, and we are going OUT.
MAZIE (24) is asleep in the empty hot tub. Fully clothed. Her phone is clutched in her hand, still playing a dance remix of “Freed from Desire.” Geordie Shore
(From the living room) That’ll be me. I wanted a midnight piss with a bang. Nailed it.
HOLY (22) is trying to make a bacon sandwich, but she’s wearing sunglasses indoors and moving like a sloth on tranquilizers. She opens the fridge. A toy chicken falls out. She screams.
(Voice like gravel) Why does me fanny taste like last night’s tequila? And why am I wearin’ a single sock and a traffic warden’s hat? Morning, shaggers
The Stairs.
The Kitchen.
pours vodka on her bacon sandwich and eats it. Me bits have retreated so far inside me,
Welcome to the club, pet. Now get a brew down yer and tell us who you’re gonna chin today.
Two hours later, they are all banned from a karaoke bar called “The Crooning Cod.”
all scream in unison. The iconic synth bassline kicks in.
I’ve just found a bloody chicken in the fridge. And not even a real one. One of them ones that squawks. That’s it. I’m dead. I’ve died and gone to Blackpool.
A framed photo of the lads. It has a slice of pizza crust balanced on the corner.