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“I need to learn the ways of the Omaticaya,” Drake Chully said, his voice a flat monotone. “Specifically… the reproductive ways.”

Leo deleted the file. Then he emptied his trash bin. Then he restarted his computer just to be safe.

The screen went black. Then, a pixelated, lime-green legal disclaimer appeared: “The following film is a parody. No Na’vi were harmed in the making of this motion picture. However, several foam latex puppets were irreparably stained.”

This Ain't Avatar 2010 XXX 3D SBS 720p Bluray X264 AC3. This Aint Avatar 2010 XXX 3D SBS 720p Bluray X264 AC3

He’d found it on a forum buried so deep in the internet that the regular laws of cause and effect seemed to apply only loosely. The sole comment below the magnet link was: “The Na’vi have… assets.”

He lay back in bed, staring at the dark ceiling. For the rest of his life, whenever he saw a majestic floating mountain or a bioluminescent forest, he wouldn’t think of James Cameron’s vision. He would only hear a funky bassline and the sound of a man from New Jersey saying, “I see you… wink .”

Suddenly, the Colonel appeared. Not a parody. The actual Stephen Lang’s face, poorly green-screened onto a different actor’s smaller, less intimidating body. “We have to torch the sacred grove!” he yelled at no one. “The blue cat people are… consolidating!” “I need to learn the ways of the

With a deep breath that tasted of energy drink, Leo double-clicked.

The screen stuttered. The AC3 audio crackled, switching from dramatic orchestral stings to a cheesy 70s funk guitar riff. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

He looked at the file name again. This Ain't Avatar. XXX. 3D SBS. 720p. Bluray. X264. AC3. Then he restarted his computer just to be safe

Their neural queues (which looked suspiciously like iPhone charging cables with plastic tentacles glued on) dangled toward each other.

Then, she appeared. Neytiri’s parody counterpart: “Neigh-tiri.” She was played by an actress who had clearly lost a bet. Her tail was a feather duster zip-tied to a belt. Her bow was a stick. But she committed. Oh, she committed with the ferocity of a Shakespearean actor who’d been told this was Hamlet .

Leo covered his eyes. Then peeked through his fingers. The 3D effect was actually working. The animatronic horse rotated slowly in the background, its mechanical eye blinking in a silent plea for help.

Leo paused the video. The SBS image froze on a frame of Drake Chully tangled in his own queue, Neigh-tiri giving the camera a bored, thousand-yard stare.